Last month the President announced plans to send a man to the moon. Which would be exciting news, if you just woke up from a 45-year coma. But President John F. Kennedy had the idea first and we have the rocks to prove it. George W freely admits that he partied during his college days, but surely he remembers the 60’s. By going back, we give ammo to all the Capricorn One conspiracy nuts who think the only moon we landed on was a sound stage in Hollywood. How many past administration policies are we going to adopt? We’re fighting another war in Iraq and now the moon. I shudder with fear that at this very moment, President Bush is drawing up plans to build the Hoover Dam.

Speaking of the war in Iraq, U.S. weapons inspector David Kay says his findings show Saddam did not have weapons of mass destruction. Nor did he find the capability to build any. As a result of that report, President Bush has put together a team to investigate the U.S. intelligence failures, which might have to go all the way back to his second year at Yale. Even if Saddam didn’t have WMD’s, there were and still are several reasons for regime change: He, at one time, had WMD’s and couldn’t be trusted. He supported terrorism in other parts of the world. He once had an affair with an intern and lied about it. No matter what the final report on Iraq’s weapons programs say. And no matter the outcome of the President’s panel looking into intelligence failings. You know that right now, somewhere, Hans Blix is locked in a padded room shouting to the walls, “I was right, I was right, Ha ha ha ha…”

Meanwhile, what’s left of the Democratic party is tramping around the country trying to find a voice and give us a reason to vote for them. Howard Dean has crashed harder than a homemade stunt plane. John Kerry’s face gets tighter and tighter with every primary win. Al Sharpton and Dennis Kucinich are so low on campaign cash, they can’t afford to buy a newspaper to find out they’ve lost already. John Edwards is pacing himself, as any good Vice-President would. He knows he just has to keep his hair shiny and wait. At this point he’s only a chicken bone or sex scandal away from being the frontrunner.

For some bizarre reason, the debate over gay marriage just might trump the war in Iraq, health care, and taxes as the number one issue in this year’s election. A recent poll showed that 62 percent of Americans were opposed to gay marriage. Yet, thanks to a Massachusetts court ruling, gay and lesbians might be allowed to do just that as early as May.

Frankly, I don’t understand why so many people are against this. We have a 50 percent divorce rate in this country. Every episode of “Cops” features some drunk, white trash, redneck in a greasy tank top, screaming “But officer, I love that b#&@h…” as he’s being hauled away for domestic violence. We don’t want to share that kind of goodness. I’ve even heard the argument that “gays are too promiscuous for holy matrimony.” Well, it didn’t keep Bill Clinton from saying, “I do.” Rush Limbaugh is as passionate as they come in the drive to protect the sanctity of marriage. Yet he’s been married three times. What virtue are we preserving? I think gay and lesbian couples should be allowed to enjoy the same misery that half of the American population enjoys. Let’s not keep this fun just for the heterosexuals. If we want to ban any kind of marriage, let’s prohibit the one’s we all agree are train wrecks just waiting to happen. The next time some thrice-divorced mother of six wants to marry an unemployed parolee she met in an Internet chat room, let’s all speak up and say, No! Or when our rich Grandpa finds a former stripper who makes him forget about his dearly departed wife of 50 years—let’s form a blockade. And we should outlaw Liza Minnelli!

Let’s be honest. A gay wedding would be a lot more fun to attend. Especially if those “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” fellows get involved. The foods gonna be tastier. The music more upbeat. The décor less cheesy. And you know the bridesmaids are finally going to have a dress they can wear again and again.

Well, that’s what I think.

BrainstormNW - March 2004